"Will My Child Forgive Me?"

Dr. Brad Reedy

“Will my child forgive me?” This is one of the most common questions parents ask when contemplating a child’s emotional reaction to a wilderness therapy intervention.  Often, the questions center around whether the child will forgive, will feel abandoned, or will hate the parent.  These questions tug deeply at the heart of each parent.  Nothing is so precious as the relationship with one’s child. The fear of losing that relationship is truly frightening.  

My first response to the question is simply this:  Your child will forgive you when he/she gets healthy—because that’s what healthy people do.  They forgive their parents for their decisions, for their perceived limitations, for their insecurities and surely for the well-meaning interventions.  In that vein, a young person who matures and gains a more well-rounded and healthy perspective, will forgive a parent for initiating an intervention that they, the parent, believes is vital to the health, well-being and in some cases, their child’s survival.

Parenting by “trying to control what the child feels” contains several fissures at its very foundation.  First, trying to “control” what a child feels actually teaches the child that feelings are someone else’s responsibility.  Feelings are to be owned.  Further we may also be sending a message to our child that difficult feelings are to be avoided at all costs, thus robbing the child of working through the feelings and the challenges they encounter. We can talk about how an action and perception of that action leads to our emotions, but the feeling is ours to own.  Subsequently, by parenting with a focus on our intentions and our truth rather than by how our child might react or perceive us, we are able to let go of how our children feel and give it back to them.

At Second Nature, we often see young people struggling with an inability to differentiate in their relationships. They struggle to determine where they end and where the other person starts.  This lack of clarity is often rooted in a family of origin that (unwittingly) models this form of emotional control.  “You made me lose my temper,” or “you caused me to feel sad,” “I am lonely because you ignored me.”  By allowing your child to experience their feelings while listening empathically, and NOT making your choices based on his/her emotional reactions, you assist your child in establishing a healthy pattern of emotions, navigating challenges and relating to others throughout their lives. 

Back to the question…..”Will my child forgive me?”……A second problem with this question is the control it allows the child to have in the parent-child relationship. The above paragraphs speak to the perspective of control from the parent to the child.  However, another risky aspect of this dynamic is the control that the child has over the parents.  In essence, the type of thinking we are talking about allows the child to say to the parent, “I won’t forgive (or love, or feel loved, or feel safe, or feel cared for or talk to you, etc.) unless you do (or don’t do) “X”.   This dynamic places decision-making in the hands of the child.  Parents are under the proverbial gun to do as the child desires in order to have the emotional outcome they want. By making your decisions without deferring to your child’s emotional reaction, but from a place of love, careful consideration, education, intuition, faith, and insight - in other words, doing the very best you can - you don’t put your child in the (inappropriate) position of raising him or herself.

I remember this simple, short example from my work in the field with a young man and his family that illustrates this point well.  During the third week of this young man’s program, I had asked the mother in this family to write a challenging letter to her son.  Her son was slow to consider the magnitude of his choices (dealing drugs) and the impact of his actions on his life and the life of his family.  He was talking about therapy as “unnecessary” and an “over-reaction” on his parents’ part.  Mom wrote a very heartfelt, honest and courageous letter to her son, with my direction and support, and sent it to her son in the field.  The subsequent letter she received from her son was angry, bitter, resentful and attacking.  Mom started our next call with, “I made a mistake.  I wrote a horrible letter.”  I asked her why she felt this way and she responded with what seemed to be obvious evidence to her.  “Look at my son’s reaction.  He is going to lose hope and faith in me.  He is furious!”  I went on to explain to this mother how powerful and direct she was in her letter.  I explained that if she measured her effectiveness by the emotional response of her son, she was using a very flawed instrument for healthy communication and interaction.

Expanding on the idea of giving children control in the relationship, this pattern of parenting (worrying about your child’s emotional responses to your boundaries and consequences) also puts the responsibility of your self-esteem as a parent squarely on your child’s shoulders.  You are, in essence, saying to your child, “I will feel about myself as you feel about me.”  For your child, in the short-run, this responsibility for your parents’ self-esteem is a nice piece of power to get what you want, the long-term consequences of being responsible for a parent’s self-worth is psychologically taxing. Eventually those same children, as adults, will need space from their parents as they will want to resist being the one “carrying” mom and dad’s sense of self.  By letting go of how your child feels, while still being sensitive and respectful of it, you un-burden your child from taking care of you.

So…Will they forgive you?  When they get healthy. 

What can you do?  Do your best.  That’s all you can do anyway.  And allow your child to have their emotional response.  In fact, this “letting go” of your child’s reaction is one of the greatest contributions you can make to the equation.  When they realize you are not being held hostage by their emotions and response, they will usually let go of the helplessness, blame and manipulation.