Creating Appropriate Structure at Home for your Child

Beth Laughlin, M.A.

Beth Laughlin, M.A.
Director of Development and Admissions
Second Nature 360

When speaking with parents preparing to have their child return home from treatment the conversation is often mixed with feelings of optimism and hope combined with anxiety and fear. The weight of these feelings varies with each parent but more often than not, all of these feelings are expressed. The anxiety frequently focuses on the fear that the parents won’t be able to provide the same level of structure that has been provided in treatment. Most parents are amazed at how well their child has responded to the structure and feel that this has been a key component to the success their child has experienced.

The reality is that often this is true. When all of life’s triggers and distractions are removed from a child’s world, the internal confusion and chaos has a chance to slow down enough to gain more clarity about what’s really going on underneath the behaviors. In the safety of the structure the child can begin to unravel and process what’s going on and then begin to gain tools for addressing these struggles when they reengage life again.

Transitions in general for all of us are disruptive. Some of the most stressful times we experience are during times of transition whether it’s changing jobs, moving, changing an unhealthy habit or simply going home for the holidays. Uncertainty and disruption are natural elements of transition. The goal ultimately is not to completely eliminate the external disruptive texture of transition but to learn how to engage these disruptions differently with better tools as individuals and as a family.

With this in mind, it important to recognize that parents cannot replicate the structured environment of treatment in the home nor should this be the expectation or goal. With 360, transition is often about helping a child move from one environment to another and most of our work with families is about moving a child from more to less structure. We assist families in striking that balance of an appropriate level of structure within the home without overdoing it.

Each child is different and each family is different. There is no one “right” way to strike this balance. One of the key elements of structure lies in the relationship dynamics between the parent and the child. Is there a level of trust in the relationship? Is there accountability built in for the child? Is the communication open and consistent between the parent and child? All of these relationship components play in to balancing the external structure required for a successful transition.

As your child returns home here are a few things to consider:

1.  Although anxiety is often revving at its peak when your child first arrives home, avoid going overboard in limiting all of his or her freedom. Discussing limits and being clear about expectations is important but monitoring every moment of your child’s day is neither feasible nor does it send the right message. It is important to reflect a level of confidence (however fragile) in the changes your child has made while in treatment. Again, this varies with every family but even believing in the small changes can help a child build confidence as they face challenges. Remember, your child is often just as scared as you are but may not have the maturity to express this appropriately.

2. Recognize what you can and cannot control. One parent put it well, “I cannot save my child… I can only support and guide them.” It’s important to seek a balance between supporting and reinforcing without displacing your child’s ability to ultimately make their own decisions in order to develop a healthy sense of self and independence. Although this is often a terrifying and painful process for parents to watch, it is frequently during these challenging times where the real growth happens, the parent-child dynamic has an opportunity to change and the tools your child has learned in treatment can be applied. Providing safety without eliminating all the risk and autonomy is the difficult task that all parents are challenged with.

3. While the scope of each family’s rules and habits vary dramatically, it’s important for all parents to reinforce accountability for their child’s actions. Monitoring your child at an appropriate level allows for built in accountability and teaches them responsibility in all areas of their life.  Striking that balance of space and freedom without absolute space and freedom is appropriately based on the current level of trust in the parent-child relationship. This helps create an environment of safety for the child. As the trust grows and accountability is honored, more freedom and independence is gained.

Regardless of where parents choose to draw the line between structure and freedom with their child, it’s important to recognize that this process evolves over time. In some situations more structure may be required, in other situations less. By working to avoid the two extremes of either being too authoritarian or too permission, you leave enough room for your relationship with your child to dictate the appropriate ebb and flow that’s required.

www.secondnature360.com

Second Nature 360 helps adolescents and young adults successfully transition from treatment to home, college, or independence. Transitions from one setting to another can be challenging and disruptive for the whole family. We understand what is at stake and know what has already been invested. We can help you protect this investment. 360 provides the family with wrap-around support to ease the disruption and help parents guide and parent their child as he or she transfers the skills learned in treatment to their real-world setting. Visit: http://www.secondnature360.com/